When living to meet expectations slowly pulls us away from who we truly are.
There are pressures we all recognize: work deadlines, financial responsibilities, and the everyday challenges of life. Yet there is another kind of pressure—quieter, more subtle, and often harder to notice: the constant need to live up to other people’s expectations.
From an early age, we learn that approval often brings rewards. Good behavior, strong academic performance, a stable career, or an image of success are commonly praised by society. Over time, the pursuit of approval can gradually become a way of living.
It rarely happens overnight or by conscious choice. Sometimes we choose a career because it seems like the “right” thing to do, remain in relationships that no longer bring us joy to avoid disappointing others, or present a seemingly perfect life on social media while privately feeling that something is missing.
The question is unavoidable:
How many of our decisions reflect who we truly are, and how many are driven by who we believe we are expected to be?
For decades, psychology has explored how social expectations shape our identity, emotional well-being, and our understanding of success. Understanding this phenomenon does not mean ignoring the people around us; rather, it means learning to distinguish between living with purpose and living to satisfy expectations that never truly end.
When Approval Becomes a Need
Human beings are inherently social. We long to belong. Feeling accepted strengthens relationships, encourages cooperation, and has played a fundamental role in our survival as a species.
The challenge begins when approval is no longer a natural consequence of our actions but becomes the primary reason behind them.
According to Self-Determination Theory, developed by psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, people experience greater well-being when their actions are guided by intrinsic motivations—such as personal growth, values, and purpose—rather than relying primarily on external rewards like recognition, status, or prestige.
When our decisions are driven mainly by the need for approval, the risk of anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and dissatisfaction increases—even when our lives appear successful from the outside.
In other words, it is entirely possible to meet every expectation and still feel profoundly empty.
Social Media and the Constant Comparison Trap
Never before have we had so many opportunities to compare ourselves with others.
Social media often showcases life’s happiest moments, greatest achievements, and most polished versions of reality. The problem is not sharing those moments, but forgetting that we are comparing our everyday lives to someone else’s carefully curated highlights.
Psychologist Leon Festinger introduced Social Comparison Theory, explaining that people naturally evaluate themselves by comparing their lives to those of others. While comparison can sometimes inspire growth, it can also create frustration when we constantly feel as though we are falling behind.
Recent research has found associations between intensive social media use, increased social comparison, higher levels of anxiety and depressive symptoms, and lower life satisfaction—particularly when online activity revolves around observing the lives of others.
Without realizing it, we stop asking what success truly means to us and begin pursuing the version that seems to receive the most likes and validation.
The Emotional Cost of Playing a Role
There is a significant emotional burden in feeling that we must perform a version of ourselves to be accepted.
Psychologists often describe this as the gap between the authentic self and the idealized self—the distance between who we truly are and who we believe we need to become to gain approval.
Maintaining that gap over time can contribute to chronic stress, emotional exhaustion, and a growing sense of disconnection from our own identity.
Many people describe this experience with phrases such as:
- “I feel like I’m pretending all the time.”
- “I don’t really know who I am anymore.”
- “I have a good life, but I don’t feel genuinely happy.”
It is not always a lack of gratitude.
Sometimes it is simply the exhaustion of carrying an identity we never consciously chose.
Learning to Hear Our Own Voice Again
Rediscovering our authenticity does not mean rejecting every expectation or ignoring the people we love.
It means something both simpler and far more challenging:
Learning to ask ourselves honest questions again.
- What do I genuinely enjoy when no one is watching?
- What decisions would I make if I weren’t afraid of being judged?
- Which activities make me lose track of time?
- Which values do I want to guide my life?
Answering these questions takes courage because the answers may not always align with the path we have followed until now.
Authenticity does not require changing your entire life overnight. More often, it begins with small acts of consistency between what you think, what you feel, and how you choose to live.
Conclusion
We may never be able to prevent others from having expectations of us.
There will always be opinions, advice, comparisons, and definitions of what success should look like.
What we can decide is how much space those voices occupy compared to our own.
Life begins to change when we stop asking only how we will be perceived and start asking how we truly want to live.
Because real success is not always about meeting every expectation.
Sometimes, true success begins the moment we stop living someone else’s life and finally begin building our own.
🌿 A Reflection to Take With You
“We live surrounded by voices telling us who we should become. Among them, the most important voice often grows silent: our own. Listening to it requires courage—but it may also be the first step toward living a life that truly reflects who we are.”
— De Todo Un Poco Club
References (APA 7)
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “What” and “Why” of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
- Festinger, L. (1954). A Theory of Social Comparison Processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140.
- Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-Determination Theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development, and Wellness. Guilford Press.
- Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social Comparison, Social Media, and Self-Esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222.
- Verduyn, P., Ybarra, O., Résibois, M., Jonides, J., & Kross, E. (2017). Do Social Network Sites Enhance or Undermine Subjective Well-Being? A Critical Review. Social Issues and Policy Review, 11(1), 274–302.
